yes, autumn.

I will need to always remember how I felt this fall, with no outside influence to my overwhelmingly nostalgic happiness. Nostalgia comes from something. Mine came from the colors of this autumn. Okay, so there's some influence--But I experienced this on my own. A single body did not affect my joy or how spiritually connected I surprisingly felt to the way this autumn danced around. I wanted to share with someone how I felt driving down 'A' street almost every day. I wanted to take a mental picture and just lodge it into the memory folder of my brain. I'm not sure I have one of those, and I'm sure I won't be able to keep this perfect image forever, and I'm pretty sure I won't know how I felt until i feel it again. Until next fall. But maybe next fall it will be bitter and white. Maybe next fall I'll be in Spain and the leaves won't speak the language of Nebraska leaves.
There is nothing like a solitary tree with three different shades of orange, distantly fading into yellow, and then to green. I prefer not to think of the terrifying reasons why the leaves stayed on the trees so long this year. I prefer to think they knew I needed that long kind of autumn. I prefer to think they knew I needed something to hold me through this last stretch of 2010, in Nebraska.......in, yes in Nebraska.

red, read.

I will graduate
and then I will read!
I will read books
I would like read
..here ^^
okay or just anywhere.

helping a friend out for a class

This Girl ^^

1) Community is a group of people, all with the desire for a strong collective relationship, and with at least some sort of emotional ties to each other or to the community they've formed. I'm sayin they love each other and they love (or have grown some sort of connection to) what they're about!
2) I maintain relationships in my communities by staying involved and by staying present. I think one can easily lose their sense of community if they begin to become more selfish than not. Being a part of a community and maintaining those relationships requires a high amount of solidarity and a low amount of jealousy.

tokyo, a place i'd like to GO

I lived in Nebraska and then I didn’t because my mom and dad and I drove to New Jersey. We drove there and then for two years I made frequent visits to New York City. For two years I went to a museum or two and I saw people sing and dance. I spent many patriotic holidays on Long Beach Island. I slept on the floor in Philadelphia. I drove with myself to Washington D.C., I saw Delaware and poverty. I drove with my mom and dad through Amish Country. Once I flew to New Orleans to volunteer, then I drove to New Orleans again because I missed it. And I wanted to dance. I moved, because I had to. I flew to South Africa and we stopped in Senegal. I rode a horse into Lesotho. I floated from a plane to the ground in Mossel Baai. I took drunken taxi rides. I drove the Garden route to Cape Town with a charming boy and we stared at the ocean. I went in the ocean. Naked? Twice. I ran and I biked in South Africa. I spent 14 hours blind on a public bus. I moved to Nebraska. I road-tripped to Austin and back in a weekend and I flew to San Francisco to break up the monotony. I drove with 'The Douche' from Nebraska to New York City, then I took the train a couple times from New Jersey to New York. I New Years Eve’d at a pizza shop in Brooklyn. I came back home and I camped in the mountains of Colorado. I flew to Haiti. I rode in the back of a truck across Haiti. I ran in Haiti. I swam in the ocean in Haiti and I played soccer. I flew to Israel. I hiked across Israel. I swam in the ocean in Israel, twice. Naked? Once. I drove to Nashville to break up the monotony, and I wanted to dance. I slept in a car in St. Louis. I camped in the mountains of Colorado, again, and I did because the autumn is absolutely radiant.

everyone goes to haiti

it's amazing how many people i interact with that have some sort of connection to haiti. during my one couch surfing experience in may, the two sisters i stayed with had both been to haiti numerous times. i met ben welstead, a missionary that goes to haiti once a year and the guy who designed and screen printed the t-shirts for our fundraiser, the DAY i was needing to find a screenprinter. the week before i left i was trying to find Mountains Beyond Mountains at the bookstore and was swept into conversation with the girl next to me who had just finished the book and was preparing for haiti. this morning i bumped into a girl at the farmers market who had heard i went, and had been there herself in march and now we're going to practice kreyol together. everyone goes to haiti it'ssoooawesomeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

i am just not a blogging kind of gal and i've stuggled with keeping a journal basically my entire life, however! i have really been enjoying writing while in haiti, and now that i'm home it just feels good to continue.

transitioning back home will always be more difficult. i completely understand culture shock, but will always be from returning back to the states. lots of white people. lots of people upset that their food took too long to be served...lots of worrying about petty issues. lots of self analyzation. lots of alone time. lots of anxiety over how to talk about how haiti was. lots of iced coffee. lots of preparation for israel. lots of excitement yet lots discomfort with my beautifully decorated apartment. it's been decided, by me, that giving yourself some time to..relax.. after traveling to haiti before jumping back to your own reality is a good idea.

The e-mail i received yesterday from Samuel. Could anything have made me happier? There's no way:

for you laura

how are laura you arrived.Im happy many.

you see mother you Im happy.you sey mother you have one friend.

I always Go house oLes .Thank you for Tout Thing you Give Me.

Im Go to the beach with kres

friend you samuel


beautiful.

Flamamallamamaa

not enough time to really write right now, but i know if i don't just write about this now it'll keep slipping into the back of my mind, and that is how PROUDDDDDD SO SO SO SO SO PROUD i am of my friend Patrick. two days ago keegan and i spoke with him about creating a barbor shop business. we had gone to his house a few days before to get him to come to the beach with us, and he was in the middle of cutting some hair. i had no idea that was something he did for people around this community. sooo then two days ago when we were talking, we learned that there are quite a few barbor shops on this road, one in this community, one in the next. they all charge 10 haitian dollars a cut. we said, so then you should charge 8!!--this could be good for him..or not so good. it's a bad idea if it'll cause problems in the community, competitive problems. what patrick needs is enough people to come get their hair cut so that he can actually save the money he makes, instead of spending it on water for his garden, like he is now. i drew him a picture of what i thought an awesome 'ti ky'--small house--would be like on his parents property, i told him he should make one. the next day, ye (yesterday)--he comes over and says 'come to my house'--so keegan and i go and he MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADE A HOUSE FOR HIS BARBOR SHOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!! i was and am and will be forever so happy about that. especially because people don't seem to have much faith in others around here..and some people said he wouldn't do it. and then he just did it completely by himself and with materials from his mom's garden. it looks amazing, and he let us sit and take photos and hang out while he gave his brother, Jhonny, his first haircut in his new shop. his mom was there, so smiley. she loved it too. i'm making her a purse/knap sack out of a skirt i brought that i hope she'll find use with.--keegs is giving him a pair of good scissors we may or may not be taking from the guest house we're staying at, and i got him a few new combs at the market today so hopefully these things can be a little extra push for him to stay motivated and cut hair! love it. so much.

you check me one american girl

where is the line drawn when and when not to give?--give, like give charity.
what even iiiiiiis charity? do people always need to work in order to receive a reward...or say, shoes..a basic need? for example, Toms Shoes..they give shoes to children around the world that have done nothing to work for those shoes. they call their donations 'shoe drops'--which just implies they are simply given--seems as simple as if they are just dropped from the sky. but is this wrong? i feel flustered, but when a sweet little boy who i've gotten to know every day for 2 weeks tells me that he doesn't have the appropriate shoes to wear to school, so he borrows from his cousin every day..i feel flustered. especially since i have about 15 pairs at home that i'm annoyed at myself for not bringing to share.
this boy, samuel, comes by our house every day to get a new bandage from keegan. the first day we got here we met him as he was getting patched up from a different guy, apparently he had just fallen off a motorcycle and had a huge gash on the inside of his leg. he's 14, goes to school, has 3 sisters and 5 brothers, and apparently lives in a pretty awful situation. i'd never know from speaking with him or watching him interact with other kids--he's got such a personality..say's i'm a 'comic' because we make funny faces at eachother, he knows more english than most other haitians in this community--he's always helping me translate. so curious. he tells me i need to 'check him one american girl' so that when he's 23 he can come to america, withOUT a mustache(even though keegan's telling him he needs one) and have one american business with keegan and one house. i think he'd be brilliant in whatever he decides to do. i also think he could use some shoes so he can go to school and learn how to do whatever he decides to do, so we'll probably have to do something about that.

ALSO, honey comb is probably the most amazing thing i've ever tasted. honey, straight from the comb. you chew it like gum. or taffy. it's basically perfection.

papaya smoothie with lime = babyfood with a kick

papaya is not my favorite fruit. why is a fruit made so large with so little taste? mwen pa remi. mwen remi mango.

being able to communicate with haitians in so little time makes me absolutely love language. taking lessons from a tutor is good, taking classes in college is good, but engulfing yourself in the culture itself, learning from the people by speaking with them, and listening to outside conversations have proven to be so much more efficient. i feel as if i've learned the first year of a language class in one week here. haitians are wonderful teachers.

i extremely dislike my habit of not being satisfied with where i am and this week i feel as if i've overcome it..i can't think of one place i'd rather be (except for south africa, hah).

in haiti i've been able to explore on my own, with little to no direction of where i should be going. i've trail blazed to the beach and back. i've learned huge amounts about bee keeping, an entirely new craft in my life. i've made beautiful little friendships with new people. i've been amazed with the human ability of connection, with basically any type of person--if you're willing and open, you will be able to feel connected. i've been able to appreciate the way different types of personalities clique and/or clash, i've been able to learn from it. i've also had a lot of down time, time to reflect. that's another thing Oles has taught me, is the importance of giving yourself time to actually reflect. i think he's learned a lot about life, about himself, about the way his community works, the appreciation of his place in this community--and i think most of this has been in his time for reflection. he wakes up at around 5 every morning and i think kind of meditates..reflects. i think that is something that takes time to perfect. it's really hard to be comfortable with yourself alone--especially to set a time aside for your own alone time--you have to be very 'not' self aware. you have to be very comfortable with you.
this week i've really focused on this, i'm already seeing rewards in it and i'm extremely pleased with that.

Pa Perrrrrr, don't be scared

when it rains at night so you can't walk to the beach at 4:30 am to see the sunrise, it's a sad morning.

last night was different from nights previous, Oles spiced things up a bit. he brought over his 20 some year old guitar that he claimed he couldn't remember how to play anymore. it was beautiful--he couldn't remember complete songs, but he knew a good handful of old french songs on guitar, and would sing along with it. patrick also came over with jhems and ti lap--i'm not sure if it was because it was Friday night or if he was just feeling a little fly, but he had on some fresh new threads and it was adorable.

the terrain of this part of haiti is outrageous. yesterday we had too much downtime during the day so keegz and i went for a midday, apri midi, run--attempting to find the right turn off to the road that leads to beach. this route 44 just seems to go on forever, and we must have missed the turnoff or not gone far enough about 3 different times. finally we just decided to make our own path, which was probably the best decision we've made so far. we started off on a narrow path, which just turned into a little cannal type ditch of a path, which then ended. the thought of turning around and going back to the guesthouse and sitting inside was not going to happen, so we trecked through some spider-web and thornbush infested cornfields, most likely tresspassing. the sound of the ocean was so clear, i assumed we were almost there, but we then walked through about 3 other types of land...a little crab world, with softer earth and thousands of crabs running around everywhere with dead, brittle looking trees. after that we finally saw some sand and more beach-like trees, big lizards running through the fallen leaves at our sides. then, the sweet, salty beach.

learning kreyole is a rewarding and brain numbing process. robinson, sawjuzce and bebean were such brilliant teachers yesterday afternoon and i'm hoping we helped them to learn more english as well.

you speak spanish? oh, i don't like spanish.

most haitians in Pasbwadom know a little spanish, some more than others. but i just keep laughing at how often people are asking if i know spanish, but then disgusted to speak it. whereas i would LOVE to speak in spanish, a language i felt more comfortable in, where i could converse back and forth with people. but for the most part, spanish isn't the coolest thing around here. it's okay though, just encouraging me to learn kreyol even more.

right now i'm sitting in the livingroom of this guesthouse with a fan in my face and i'm still dripping sweat. this is literal. keegz is here too, reading about buddhism. brittany and bill are sleeping, i dont know how. outside our house is a handful or two of haitains my age, blasting the same songs over and over and having such a good time laughing and screaming and dancing. i'm not sure what the big event is. this happens almost every night, with the same songs playing repeatedly--good songs though, some regeton, some spanish salsa business--i heard beyonce once. but tonight they're a bit more rowdy. i just wish we could run out there and dance with em. OHHH malaria infested mosquitos!

today, i'd say (and bill would say) was a big day. we completed the last step of our bees project, bottling the honey. it's delicious, especially squirting it into the mouth straight from the bottle. we got Oles to do it too, which was hilarious b/c he's a pretty conservative guy--and he then licked what he had missed from the outside of the bottle. it was decided that i'd get to keep that bottle, keegan knows i need it more than him, for obvious reason.

trying to stay active each day. it's hard in the heat to stay motivated and moving--but almost every night i've done a good amount of crunches, push ups, and yoga positions. good job me! there was an issue at the school up the road we'd been playing basketball at so that's on hold for the time being. i wish i was tired earlier, but sometimes with the combination of the heat, the music and all of the thoughts running through my head from the day, it seems almost impossible to lay in that cot and close my eyes. i think it's 100 degrees right now.

ugh, i stink. so bad. i think i should just shower now but i'm worried it'll wake me up even more--cold, cold, refreshingly cold showers, every day. so good.

Jhems, zanmi-mwe.

Jhems: not Jim, which is what i thought my 13 year old friend's name was..but no. It's Jhems, pronounced 'james'.
We've been getting to know these three boys, Patrick, Jhonny, and Jhems after we work during the day...usually we'll play basketball or soccer with them, or just walk around and talk--all brothers living behind the house we're staying..they have about 10380985 other siblings as well. Jhems is a sweet boy, I gave him my soccer ball to play with so he brought us about 9 ears of Mai (corn)--last night he also brought us over 2 big canes of sugar, 'con'. He's been asking me to give him English lessons, so we're starting tonight. These kids learn English and a little Spanish in school, but I see in Jhems that he really wants to learn English. He will repeat things I say, like "okay, so 5 o'clock, i'll teach you english"--and then he'll just say that right back to me and smile. He does understand a lot though..but i see a lot of basic words get used in the wrong place. I also want to learn Creole better so we can better understand eachother, so i'm hoping to get a fair deal out of this teaching lesson. I'm basically 100% better at Creole (Kreyole) than I was last tuesday, so that's awesome.

Today at Oles's we continued to work with his bees. Today I think was the most interesting day so far. We covered ourselves up head to toe and stood close while Oles and his two employee boys removed the honey comb from the hives. Bees swarming everywhere..but honestly with Oles there I felt no fear. We then took the honey comb and extracted the honey from it with this spinner machine he has. Part of the time I was just observing, and part of the time I was doing, which I was really happy about. I'm SUPER excited that I'm getting hands on experience here, working with projects i've never even come near before. Good for my resume, good for my spirit, good for my mind.

Laundry day was today also, just got that done and hung up my one line full of clothes. I could say I underpacked...but I could also say that I have a lot more than I have and maybe I packed just right.

Brittany is over on the couch laughing to herself as she reads things on her computer. She's so cute. I'm really glad to be here with her and Keegz--we's a good balance.

hatiance patience

things in Haiti take a while, that's one thing i'll definitely take with me. today we spent eight hours making foundations for honey comb. 6:30 am to 2:30 pm, but this is not something for me to complain about--i'm trying to look at this as something to learn from. i'm wrapped up in TIME. at home. i need to get in a full days work, but i don't even think i've ever known what a full days work was until coming here. these people are up at 5, literally once the sun comes up. we've been getting up pretty early as well..around 6 or 7. it's been a beautiful experience to wake up, get dressed and be outside with the rest of civilization in the early a.m. it's in interesting contridiction to being awake in the early morning in lincoln, maybe waking up--making or going to get coffee, seeing cars drive by and a few people on the street. here, i wake up either from a rooster, a tap tap honking as it drives down our sweet little dirt highway 44, the heat of the sun, or my eagerness to start the day. all pleasant, all better than my phone's alarm clock.

i think i love Oles more every day, even if just for his patience. he took about 20 minutes to talk to me today about Jesus. i don't feel he was trying to preach to me or convert me. he just likes to talk, and especially about Jesus because he is very devoted to him. but he was interrupted once, and then after a while came right back and picked up exactly where he left of. i find that he focuses so much on what he is saying, he never says anything he doesn't mean. he never tries to exaggerate or fabricate or pretend that he knows more than he does. i have so much to learn from him. we had a question today about what the difference was between 'caliente' and 'calor'---he was right and i was laughing about how wrong i was, and he said 'ohh but you handle it so well you're happy for me even though you're wrong'--he will always find the best in someone.

but you wouldn't have the fifth one without the first

eating mangos frozen, pouring beeswax into foundations, leveling ply wood, finding comfort in the shade, finding comfort while petting a new pup, finding comfort while listening to a wise man speak.

when i go home, people will ask "how was Haiti!?"--they may ask what i did, what lessons i've learned, how port au prince looked form the quake. i find these to be such difficult questions because i don't know what people want to hear, and that makes me uneasy. sometimes i know people ask questions just because they are socially conditioned to. if a friend says, 'i just got back from new zealand,' i will immediately respond with 'oh! how was it!?'--it's habit and it's appropriate. so how was haiti? i don't think i'll ever be ready to respond, and that could totally be my fault. but i become attached very easily and i also am apt to create a bias against people that are less informed. maybe i just want to keep these experiences to myself. talking about these things, for me, only seems right to maybe my mom and dad--people that i know care about what i'm doing and what i've seen. a random friend at a coffee shop..i don't necessarily feel like it's wasting my time, but i think that if i talk and talk and talk about it, then it will become less real, and i don't want to forget my experiences. i want to keep them with me and not spit them out all over the lincoln air.
ALSO, i will feel differently in probably 30 minutes. that's just what i do sometimes.

Bonjour, como ye?

I am so, dead, tired..enough I just don't want to sleep!

Today is my fifth day in Haiti, third day in Pasbwadom. Each night before I've fallen asleep, I lay on my cot on our screened in porch looking up at the sky full of stars on the southern coast of this island. This has been the best time for some good thought on each of the three nights I've slept here. I've thought a lot about Oles, and all of his wisdom he's shared in just three days. Oles is a good friend of Bill's, lives just down the road, and has about a million jobs. He is such a sweet man. I've just layed and thought about his patience and his soft spokenness and his kind heart. I never think, when I'm cozy in Nebraska, that in the thick of all these mango trees, corn plants, rocky dirt roads and voodoo history that there are people like Oles. I think he is more human that I could ever try to be. He says he could come to America, but that would only be good for him, not for his community. And i think, who thinks like this!? Who is so selfless that they will live in a place where people have attempted to put voodoo spells on them? ...where you try to teach better ways of planting, but people don't listen. He loves these people though, and takes care of his mom and dad, and allows children from troubled homes to live at his second home. I love him.
I've been having a hard time sleeping, adjusting to the heat, adjusting to the noises, the roosters, the dogs barking, the sound of these solar charged fans.

Bill is like nintendo 64, good forever... and Oles is like dreamcast, new, exciting, beautiful, but we'll only see him for a little bit.

Keegan just said he wants to see soft core porn. Brittany is more or less a cute little rooster.

Hand hugs, triple hand hugs.

Just got back from playing soccer with all these Haitian boys. Patrick is such a good guy. He's a local just from this area, I think he's 19. We met him just outside the Water For Life guest house we're staying at. What a beautiful spirit with such a great family. We met his mom today, and about 6 of his siblings. One of his brothers is Johnny, who told me today that he loves me. I think that is so funny, that after 2 days someone could say that. In America, we create love to be such an ordeal. I wonder if it really is. Or if its real. Or if it's what Johnny sees it as. I know I've seen a person that I don't know, but I just think...I love him or her. Even if it's just purely physical. Sometimes you just see a person and feel a connection and think, I love this person. I think that's part of humanity...but I also think that love can be real and deep and can take a long long time. I love Johnny too though.